A slow Jolt that I didn’t see coming is best how I can describe it or overwhelming in simpler terms. Let me rewind a bit back into time , I quit my long promising & lucrative job in the middle of the Pandemic that was raving havoc in our lives to join my husband in a new city. The start was very rough and nothing like I had imagined. ( I always envisioned a 6 month long sabbatical in South America someday )
There was change of scenery, language, food , a new home , no house help , no monthly paycheck and an ailing husband suffering long covid, so much so that I forgot I still had some nasty side effects from my first covid bout myself a month ago. An emotional roller coaster taking toll on my health day by day or was it the late thirties I don’t know but I do know that I didn’t feel good at all. Here I said it !
I couldn’t digest the water of the new city let alone the spicy food. Sometimes I thought it was loneliness, missing my family, friends or work or roadside momos but I soon realised I was quite busy cleaning the Home and cooking 3 meals to call myself just a couch potato. There was one thing for sure I was tired than ever before this is when just a year ago I worked a 10 hour shift , spent a good 2 hrs in the gym, fetched groceries and cooked meals chatting with my house help yet made it to work at 8.30 am almost every single day.
On the verge of a mental breakdown where a lady doctor officially diagnosed me with “SEVERE ANXIETY” and told me to calm down, breathe and something thereafter which I don’t even remember except for a prescription that read anxiety pills and supplements. I sat down for months thinking what was troubling me , it was a well thought Sabbatical after all. I had sufficient money to survive a few more years or go on a world tour even and I didn’t have any debts or major responsibilities and financial commitments hanging on my head. Then what was it ?
No clear answer came through, self help books and motivational quotes lasted only a few hours and some small odd photography projects helped sail through tough days giving some confidence but somethings were still not quite there. I didn’t feel good inside.
They say your gut is the window to your inside health and mine clearly was showing a very bad picture. Headaches had become a weekly affair and I had now become so used to them. The sudden enormous weight gain stared back laughing at me everyday in the mirror. If I didn’t look, there was a pile of clothes that refused to fit. I was also diagnosed with PICA another disorder & Hormonal imbalances followed soon. After half a dozen tests a few deficiencies were spotted. And I thought bang , we caught the culprit and its going to be ok now but nothing of that sort happened
The one thing that immensely helped was tending to my plants. A new leaf , A new flower even a mealy bug an infection sometimes stirring emotions of anger and me giving the pest a tough fight. A hobby thats as old as I am.
About 10 months into the Sabbatical I still couldn’t think clearly.
This might sound like not such a big deal for everyone but this was exactly my biggest problem. CLARITY ! or lack of it.
All my life I have been a very clear thinking individual even as a kid , or a young adult always sure what I wanted to wear or study or do and most importantly not do. Saved my pocket money for years to buy the exact lady bird cycle with a front hanging basket. Would travel from Jaipur to Delhi just to find my perfect pair of Adidas yes thats me. And here I was on a wilful Sabbatical with no clear purpose or intent on what to do next and many unanswered questions doing a constant dance in my head.
Should I continue to pursue Photography without good connections in this extremely competitive industry. Will this work for an introvert like me who is not so great at networking. Am I even talented to what the efff am I doing.
Should I chill, Should I travel, Should I freelance, Should I start a business, Should I blog or should I go back to where I came from The Corporate . From watching you tube to taking paid courses on copy writing , social media , running a startup and content creation , I was doing varied things with no clear sense of direction. A feeling I so disliked that I fell sick almost every week. A sickness that you can’t figure out either confused if my back hurt or was it my stomach.
As much as I wanted to shut the world online I didn’t do it and am glad I didn’t. I kept clicking for the joy of it and putting up socially. When you don’t have clarity in life you can’t force it upon you either. It will come when it has to with time. So one has to find something that they enjoy and truly find joy in and something that keeps them going basically occupying their time. Photographing things was that for me.
This year my head is in a better space than last year and I have been thinking of a few things. Hopefully they’ll happen.
But If they don’t I won’t force it either but I will Manifest positive thoughts for sure and let time and life take its own course. I wont make it a big deal inside my head. Its ok to not know sometimes. And I wont remind myself of my age anymore (39 years).
I wanted to narrate this very honest account without any frills because some of you have sent messages asking about the Sabbatical. It took me some time to disclose such feelings out here, gosh what will people think but I think if it could even help a single person out there it would be worth the fear of being judged.
Let me tell you something outright specifically I was financially very stable to be able to afford it with my decent savings but not mentally(something I never even thought about) so think over it because I didn’t from that angle. If you want to take a break definitely do it but unlike me just have a little more clarity if you can. This is a break I will enjoy myself sorts of clarity.
We are all different and everyone has their own way of handling change. Some are equipped better some like me learn along the way and some might live in fear all life and resist it forever too.
For now I am coping better than last year, photography gives me joy and some money to keep going but they ain’t as consistent and reliable or high paying like my corporate job , you struggle daily and you learn everyday. You have to reconsider your expenses and your lifestyle and future goals too. Re-building from scratch again takes much more than your first version took is something I can 100% assure you. Its like breaking down a house and building it again so there is going to be rubble. So if you choose , be prepared but not intimidated.
But as a firm believer of ” One Life ” I would also encourage people to take chances and live their dreams. Life is too short you see and To Err To feel To try To learn is only human. And one of the most endearing positive words that changed my outlook last year was when someone told me. Kamakshi you can always go back 🙂
For now all I can say is PICK WISELY but also LISTEN TO YOUR HEART ❤
